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Thursday, November 7th, 2013
10:16 pm - Looking back at the year 2013...

Another year, more roads to discover...

Most enormous photo/journaling post yet under this cut...Collapse )

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012
12:57 am - Inverness
This last weekend, Mike and I went on a spontaneous trip to a cottage overlooking the bay/marsh in Inverness, CA.

We also did some adventuring, of course.

On a bridge somewhere near the town of Inverness...

Large photos ahead...Collapse )

(9 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011
1:29 am - Novels Unwritten #2
So I've been busy doing game previews for my other 'job' lately, so that's kept me kinda busy with other writing duties.

But right now I'm going to devote to this.

Read on...Collapse )

(offer your ideas)

Saturday, September 24th, 2011
3:12 am - Novels Unwritten
I've decided I wanted to start a new writing project to keep my interest in writing imaginative fiction going, yet won't bore me of all of the details of a full-on novel or even a short story.

Instead, my plan is to rip a page from a novel I have never written nor plan to ever truly write, with different situations and different characters. The pages may begin abruptly and end abruptly as well, as would be expected if you opened a novel to any page and began reading. They may not always make total sense, of course. They may be from somewhere near the beginning of a great novel, the middle, or the end. They may be in different tenses, in different perspectives.

This is sort of a post-modern project, I guess. Not intentionally though, mostly because I am just lazy enough to not want to commit to full stories, but still too creatively insane that I feel like I need to write something, and do it more often.

I am going to try to keep this project going every day. We'll see. If not, then every other day will have to suffice.

Without further ado...Collapse )

All right, I'm tapped out. Until next time, with a completely new portion of a non-existent novel.

(2 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011
12:06 am - and at once I knew I was not magnificent
You'll want to listen to this song as you browse this post. Let the pictures load before pressing play though.

You may forget these things so easily.

Click here to continue...Collapse )

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Monday, February 7th, 2011
11:07 pm - The "Swipe UP" Girl
I see you walking towards me. I am standing steadfast within my battlements, the faux terrazzo tiles surrounding me, the register sitting atop my station. I am wearing my soldier's uniform - a red khaki shirt that proclaims the name of the university dining company I work for, a beige apron with the same insignia, a red baseball cap, and black dress slacks. You are wearing the uniform of the opposing force - something expensive and fashionable, screaming that you are a student of an Ivy League university. We are deeply unmatched, as your prestige and power far outrank mine. However, this will be no losing battle.

As you approach, I prepare my strategy. I will kill you with kindness. This is my best strategy, and it is the one I have been instructed to enforce upon the minions of WASP, the evil organization that you have birthed from.

"Hello," I say brightly, flashing you a winning smile and a look in my eyes that suggests that I am better than my uniform suggests.

You ignore my eyes completely, and I take +10 damage. I am down but not out.

I kindly take your student ID card from you and carefully slide it in the reader. The reader knows all. the reader will tell me if you are of honest blood; true and noble to humankind.

BLEEEP - "Failed To Read Card"

The reader has failed me. The reader is a terrible mechanism. I hate the reader and all that it stands for.

I am about to launch a counter-defense with a sincere apology when you interrupt my turn.

"Swipe UP." You tell me loudly.

I take another +10 damage. I am critical, but I am not dead yet. This is only the first time. I kindly oblige with your indignant demand and the reader decides to reward us both with a pass. You are free to move beyond my battlements. I am free to breathe a sigh of relief and live another day.

However, it happens again. And again. And again. You wear a different outfit each time, do your hair a little differently. You wear glasses or contacts alternately. Each time, your voice rises with more indignation and irritation. Each time you are more rude, never once saying, "Hello!" or "How are you?" or "I have the card that has issues with the reader and it is no way your fault."

You expect me to remember you among a sea of 500 + faces streaming past me every day.

Oh, I do eventually remember you. Finally, one day I see you approaching. I have had enough of your cuntiness. I have had enough of this low-paying shitty job where I have to deal with sour, haughty types such as yourself.

You walk up.

I snatch the card rudely from your hands, never once giving you eye contact. In fact, I stare straight ahead. I make a point to slowly bring the card to the bottom of the reader, and then violently swipe it forward, my lips tightening as I do this. I do not break eye contact with some indefinite space as I hold my hand out towards you, letting the card sit loosely in my fingers as though it were to drop in any moment.

"Thank...you?" You say, perplexed, shocked perhaps that I have remembered you and your little issue. You walk unsurely past.

But I am not done yet. Not by a long shot.

For you see, I will always remember you. Every time you walk past now, I take the card and do what you wish. I do not say, "Hello!" I do not say, "Thank you!" I simply take the card and do exactly what you wish. But this is not all.

For I will not remember your name, I make it a point not to ever look at your card and remember your name.

I will simply remember you with a single phrase.

Some day, when you have graduated from your Ivy League University, you will move on to bigger and greater things. Perhaps you will be some high-powered lawyer. Perhaps you will become some important political figure. Or perhaps you will simply own a large chain of expensive boutiques in New York.

I will be in mixed company - a gaggle of gay men, a dinner party with assorted relatives and friends. Your face will come up on the television screen, a laptop website or upon the entertainment section of the newspaper. Someone will be paying attention with only a semi-vested interest.

I will suddenly speak up, loudly, from my corner of the room.

"Oh, her." I will say, staring towards your falsely smiling face, "I knew her once."

I will be given somewhat interested looks by the people around me. Perhaps someone will ask me to explain further.

"She went to [Name Omitted Yet Obvious] when I worked there." I will tell them simply, "The Swipe-Up Girl."

The looks of bewilderment and pleas to divulge further will be enough of a victory for me.

For you see, this is how I have power over you.

You will forever be known to me as the Swipe-Up Girl, and the meaning that entails will forever be left to the interpreter.

(2 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Friday, January 21st, 2011
8:02 pm - Lessons.
I've learned a few things lately.

1. Appreciate Mike for being pretty much everything I've ever needed in life. That's not a mushy sentiment. It's fact. Look it up on Wikipedia.

2. Stop giving attention to people who don't deserve it. Also I'm an adult in a serious relationship, I need to grow up and not form pseudo-crushes, especially given the fact that I'm almost 30... I guess being around college kids messes with my mind lately...Not that these little suggestions and hints I'm able to read are necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I guess it's nice to feel that I might still be found somewhat attractive. But no, no thanks. Sorry. ...Please don't be mad, bro.

3. If someone insults me to such a degrading level that it makes me feel like walking out of workplace, I need to just man up and speak up right there and then. Just say, "Hey....that's not appropriate in any situation and you should realize what a douchenozzle you are for thinking it is okay to treat another human being that way. You're a huge douchenozzle and all that comes out of you is bile and vinegar. And douches...but only used ones, so you still fail. At life, I mean. Have a great day!"

4. Read the signs of a terrible workplace environment early and when you see people getting up to walk out of the interview process, do the same. Who cares if it makes you look haughty, and you probably won't find another job for a bazillion years...if it means you can retain your own dignity and not cry yourself to sleep, you're good.

5. Focus on the positive things. And right now there are so many positive things in my life, that the one huge negative only strengthens my resolve to change my situation as soon as possible.

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010
3:47 am - Seeing very old things in a new light...
So, I just accidently clicked on my calendar when trying to get to my recent entries, and then thought, "Oh hey, its been awhile since I've looked back at my old stuff" and then of course - randomly clicked on a link:


Wow. What's especially interesting - and what makes me really fucking happy that I've written it all down to this day, is that now that I've been in this relationship with Mike, I've told myself that all of those old crushes I had when I was younger really meant nothing - and while they did in retrospect (more or less) mean very little in terms of actual relationships, I've gone so far to convince myself that nothing really happened between us - there was never truly an us to begin with, or so I thought - that it was all me being paranoid and weird and stalker-ish or creepy, etc etc. Because how you can live a rational life and believe that people you've felt strong emotions for may have actually felt those emotions towards you as well but were much more afraid than you ever have been to be honest about them?

Maybe all along, I've looked at it wrong. In fact, at this point in my life I know I have. Mike was - is - the one to make me feel human, which is probably the greatest gift he has ever given me - and I know that sounds sort of sad or weird out of context, but I grew up feeling inhuman for a long period of my life. I considered myself somehow sociopathic, even though I really had a lot of emotions - I just believed that since they were all the wrong emotions, they weren't valid, they weren't real.

I guess what I mean to say is Mike nearly always validates my emotions. Even when I'm going off on some ridiculously absurd rant about something stupid, or when I just say weird random shit to be funny. Of course, these days he listens patiently to my rants and asks me to please think of it another way, and if I say something too weird or random, he just looks at me funny or laughs and says, "Honey, stop being so weird."

And I am weird, arguably pretty fucking weird. But I don't give a shit anymore about being pretty weird, I've grown way past that insecurity. I guess I've come to realize that people liked, even loved my weirdness, my slight off-step. And when I read these old entries, these cataloging of events where the only true embellishments are my sometimes overwrought emotions - I realize that one could never see what happened between me and the various crushes I had in my earlier life as anything but an emotional connection that could've lead somewhere. I suppose the blindness of being within my hetero-normative family didn't help things when I was younger - I mean, I guess it sort of annoys me sometimes to think back about how difficult it was to feel much emotional validation at all from my family, but who cares - they didn't know much better, they truly didn't understand me, I was the strange egg with a completely different emotional set than anything they had seen before with the other siblings.

Looking over this journal entry, realizing that what Thomas Krueger honestly truly said showed that he really was someone a lot like me a few years prior to that particular journal entry - it doesn't make me feel so bad about having those younger crushes, at least it doesn't make me feel like there could be no way those were really reciprocated. It also makes me wonder if I hadn't been so decisive myself after his fear of the word, if maybe he would've been more okay with whatever was actually between us (we were pretty close friends throughout that summer, at least up until that point.) I became a bit of a jerk as soon as I referred to anything between us being in the past tense.

Why did I do that? Why did I decide right then it had to be this all or nothing sort of thing? I wasn't even strong enough to really come out on my own, it took my mom's gay boss' suggestion of my homosexuality to drive the question from my mother's lips and to bring about my vague "yeah" sort of answer back to her.

I mean, not that I could've coaxed the German guy from his closet or anything - in fact, he did give the question serious thought after that - which is really much more than what I deserved after I acted like I didn't care about him anymore because of his fear of a single word, of what it means. He was very much like me in that whole ridiculous fear of "gay" as in "flamboyant, flouncy" etc etc. I don't really fear that idea anymore - not that I act particularly more flamboyant (although my older brother would supposedly beg to differ) - in fact, most people still believe I'm straight until proven guilty - but if someone suggested I had any sort of 'gay' attributes, I'd take it as a compliment in this day and age.

I remember also how that ended - I told him that I had only ever just really cared about him - and that was the truth. I was so scared of sex then, of anything sexual at all. Of course I thought about it, and there were many things I wanted to try - yes, with him as well of course. But I needed to feel emotionally validated more than anything else in the world.

And he did do that for me, so I can't hate him for whatever happened between us. At the end of the summer, when he decided he wasn't 'gay' - he did tell me he did care for me, that he did love me. He even went so far as to use the word "Love" - I may've been drunk - so wasted I was pouring bottles of liquor over my head only minutes before, but I remembered that much, which is probably what really drew me over the edge. He just didn't think he was 'gay.' I guess he was afraid of the word and the stigma attached to it. He was probably just as afraid as I was of other guys. Other men. But he wanted to be close to me, and I wanted to be close to him. We slept on two sides of a wall during our stay in the cabins that summer, and the metaphor couldn't have been any more painful, for either of us I'm pretty sure. Even if he did have a 'beard' at the time, a sophisticated English girl who sort of resembled and sounded like a chihuahua. An English chihuahua. She was a serious Catch U Next Tuesday, even before they became their own version of the Beckhams. I mean, she headed the modeling classes, she kind of had to fit the bill.

I remember the last image that some of the counselors had of me when I came back that last day to give a ride to one of the female counselors to the airport. I had gone to the Indie club Bang the night before with my cousin and some friends, and was still in my tightly-fitting, short-sleeve Strokes shirt, and felt pretty lame wearing it. I decided to quickly change out of it and into a boring, solid color long sleeve mock turtle-neck shirt. Two of the male counselors sort of watched me from afar as I did this from the opened driver's seat of my old Corolla, and I could hear one of them saying something to the effect of, "That's how they all are" - which made me almost start laughing my ass off and then drive away, leaving them all in the dust. What was especially surreal about that moment was that the one saying it was the same guy who was instrumental in keeping me from killing myself in a drunken, self-loathing rage only a few days before. He seemed to constantly be trying to understand me, and I was his friend but he kept me at arm's length as a friend because I guess he could figure out that I was gay - but it wasn't like I was even attracted to him, I just thought of him as a good friend. He seemed to think I was trying to prove something about homosexual men by just being myself. All I was ever trying to prove was that I was just another human being.

Weird to think the last thought he had of me was that I fit directly into that stereotype that I myself loathed so deeply for so long. It is sad to believe that really might be the case, he was a good friend and co-counselor when we worked together.

I still wonder about a lot of those people from that summer, about how their lives might've been affected or unaffected by my personal tragedies, or just by my friendship.

I still consider them friends, even if they figured I was a strange egg by the end of that summer.

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010
12:16 am - Orchid.
It is a strange and empty sort of feeling to be browsing on your older brother's Facebook wall and come across a comment left by a former student of his, only to realize that you're pretty certain you've seen the student in person before; have probably even felt a sort of resentment toward the student.

In this life,

Perhaps only in this long and arduous chapter -

You have gone through a series of rough starts and dead ends to find yourself as the lowest caste of employment at a prestigious university, while simultaneously that student has - through the help of your brother's wisdom and knowledge, gone on to become a scholarly freshman at the very same place where you kneel down in dimly lit halls to pluck a piece of lettuce from underneath a dining table and quietly curse the zoological aspects of your employment.

You are something akin to a janitor now, and a feeling of deep shame comes over you to realize this connection on Facebook. Made even deeper to realize that your fate truly is cemented as part of the forgotten set - the twin pair bond that have both lived an alternate lifestyle from the norm, successes measured differently than the other siblings in your family. Successes measured personally, because no one else ever had the time to really notice or give a shit.

This is my last biggest burden to bear in life, and I will cast it off in some way, somehow.

Some day.

But not today, or tomorrow.

The orchids bloom again - neither of us remembering how they looked before, where they originally came from.

They serve as a reminder that life is a constant cycle of starting anew.

(offer your ideas)

Saturday, July 31st, 2010
9:10 am
In other news,

....shit sucks.

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
12:57 am - hatching from the seed of your thin mind all night...
Holy Crap.

Its been some time since I've done a photo update.

And you will go to Mykonos,
with the vision of a gentle coast
and a sun to maybe dissipate
shadows of the mess you made...

Before I begin, here's the most fitting song to go with this post:

Fleet Foxes - Mykonos

(Its a Yousendit file, so just follow the instructions to download it.)

Now follow me away from the city noise and the awful truths of life...Collapse )

(7 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Monday, January 25th, 2010
2:14 am - Just a quick update...
I kind of hate facebook because I feel like I have to censor myself a lot more there than I do here. Livejournal will have to continue to be my place of actual writing down of emotions. I guess I just won't always let the facebook crowd know that I've done another lj update unless its full of rainbow glitter and butterflies. If they care enough they can regularly check this site too...which would suggest they have no life other than stalking me, ohmygod.

Whatever, whatever. (holds hand up, palm outward towards you, whoever you may be at this current moment.)

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to win.


Tonight Mike and I decided to sit down and watch Mysterious Skin. It was an amazing movie and honestly Joseph Gordon-Levitt's singular strongest performance of all of his movies (And I tend to see a lot of J.G.L. movies for some reason, even though I never really liked his character much in 3rd Rock From The Sun... I really, really hated 500 Days of Summer for a lot of reasons, but his actual performance wasn't too bad.)

It was also incredibly hard to watch for a lot of reasons - its subject matter was male child sexual abuse and the later effects of it - and it certainly didn't shy away or candy-coat the subject matter in any form whatsoever.

The ending was really incredibly well done, with a resolution that kind of hits you all at once - the movie does a good job of making you feel just as detached from everything happening in front of you as the characters are of the things happening to them - up until the very end, when in one relatively short scene, you're given a sort of coming together of all of the missing pieces of a fractured childhood and you finally are allowed to go through the emotions that make up the after-effects of a partially destroyed lifetime.

The movie was also really well directed, with an interesting soundtrack and often abrupt scene changes/segues that made sense in the grand context of the film.

Anyhow...the movie's still with me, I guess. I'd write about other stuff pertaining to struggling with finding a steady source of income, etc...but the details of that are boring, arduous, disillusioning, and other fun adjectives that involve ropes with nooses or razors and bathtubs or just mopey songs about loss.

I'll have some more pictures forthcoming, but I may be writing more in these next few rainy days between scouring craigslist and hoping to get calls or e-mails from my current staffing companies or just friends and family.

...seriously guys, I promise I won't be a debbie downer.

Ok, not totally anyhow.

(6 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
12:36 am

What Has Changed

"Of course we're fine dining, we're always fine dining."
He laughs with a sharp gleam in his eyes, and his cronies laugh along
I bow my head, let the awkward moment pass
explain myself more thoroughly

though I wonder what I'm doing here
I know somehow the place will
probably not
last the year

I've seen the newspaper clippings, read the headlines


I've been held on a string
more than once, twice,
twenty times already
dangling high above only
to be let go, released again
into some unknown
region of innerspace, some
emotion I'm not yet familiar enough with
to grasp or comprehend

I'm living a life that I haven't chosen, for the lack of
choosing has been
achilles heel

But I'm understanding the phrase
scared to death
and how it differs from being

How is one scared to death?

How does one look his lover in the eye and think
how how
how how how how how howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow

and don't you tell me

how not

this is no time for tired phrases.

Give me a reason why and when and where
hard work and dedication
pay off

and I'll laugh in your face and say,

"Fine dining?

Of course we're

fine dining."

(cb, 2010)

(1 free-floating idea | offer your ideas)

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
11:22 pm - 1000 Pixels: On a perilous coastal overlook...
Click for a couple of pictures...Collapse )

(offer your ideas)

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
3:51 am - holes in the fuselage
You reach a point where you realize you don't really know what the hell you're doing.

"Yeah," I said, smiling and looking at him for assurance while feeling in truth for all the world like I myself could never stack up to anyone with as much success and all the haughtiness it entails as those that sat across the table from us, "I'm just kind of...coasting along, you know?"

In that smile I could feel myself so far away, like the liar I'd become. We had talked a little beforehand and agreed that for the time being I was gainfully employed at the place I had only just lost my grasp on through a haze of complex emotions that I had not yet come to terms with. I had long ago become an airplane on autopilot and the snowy mountain peaks of winter were closing in.

Perhaps not yet wandering dazed through the charred wreckage, I can't really say for sure where I find myself now. I miss all the cues and I forget my lines. I repeat old adages and try to endear myself in familiar ways. I'm trying my hardest not to be what I've been for so long and yet I see the snowy peaks and worry so deeply that I can't control this thing anymore.

I may have finally woken up, but how long have I been out like this? And where am I headed towards?

What have I to offer - besides myself and my flaws and my understanding of love, as sloppy and strange and misplaced as it often is.

And maybe I shouldn't be so fatalistic.

Things could be worse.

We could ourselves be those somehow solemn grieving islands I saw below me that day as I flew so genially past in this daze I've been in.

Bon Iver - Lump Sum

Things could always be so much better.

current mood: melancholy

(2 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Monday, December 7th, 2009
2:36 pm - 1000 Pixels: Muddy Hollow Return Trip
A twofer.

Its mushrooms this time. I often find suggested life in the formation of plants and fungus.

Click here for pictures...Collapse )

(offer your ideas)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009
5:23 pm - 1000 Pixels: Land's End
Click For Picture...Collapse )

(10 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Sunday, October 25th, 2009
11:34 pm - 1000 Pixels: OVERLOAD...
Tune in this week for a very special picture project episode featuring Bea Arthur! And Pirate Kitty...Collapse )

(6 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
11:11 pm - 1000 Pixels: Water Landing
Read more...Collapse )

(offer your ideas)

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
7:27 pm - 1000 Pixels: BABY DEER!
More Fawn-On-Nature Action, as promised...Collapse )

(3 free-floating ideas | offer your ideas)

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